Giving Fathers Another Chance

In an episode of the television show “Black-ish” I recently watched, a father attempted to re-enter the life of his adolescent daughter. She had to move in with her father’s extended family because he left her after a series of poor choices, selfish actions, and life circumstances. He had gotten his life back on track, and wanted to move with his daughter to another city to restart their lives together. However, his family was against the father’s plan to relocate with the daughter, fearing he would fail as a parent…again.

This begs an important question: When do we stop holding a father’s past against him…especially when he’s making efforts to live a positive and productive life, as a person and a parent? Read More

In the episode, the father’s family provides the daughter who came from the inner city an upper middle class lifestyle, including attending a private school. The father had worked hard to address his issues, and find a stable job and housing for him and his daughter. Despite his efforts and earnest vow to be and do better, the family was reluctant to let her leave with him because he could not provide as much financially as they could, and they were highly skeptical of his track record as a parent and his life choices.

Many of the fathers in Power of Fathers and across the country face this same level of skepticism, resistance, and outright denial of their attempts to reconnect with their children and resume their parental roles because of their past. They run into roadblocks from their co-parents, from families, from family support organizations and agencies, and policies and systems that assume the worst about fathers, despite their best efforts to turn their lives around.

There is no easy answer to this dilemma. When we are focused on protecting children and ensuring their opportunities to thrive, we must factor in whose care they will be in, and caregivers’ ability to provide sufficient nurturing, support, guidance, and safety. However, we must also recognize that for a parent who has failed in the past, it is not a foregone conclusion that they will fail in the future. Depending on the specific circumstances of their past, and their bona fide efforts to address their circumstances, we have to take a different approach with these fathers.

We should not just forget or ignore a father’s past. We also should not just categorically hold his past against him. We must find the balance that allows fathers to resume a presence and role in their children’s lives, while factoring his past into the supports he may need going forward to ensure success. When we deny fathers the opportunity to resume their parental roles, we also are denying children their opportunity to have a healthy relationship with their fathers…which they desperately need.

It is a question author Lisa Brennan-Jobs posed in “Small Fry” her memoir about growing up in a complicated family – like most of us do I suppose. Read More

Steve Jobs, Apple’s visionary co-founder, was Lisa’s father, although for the first several years of her life he denied that she was his child.  After tests confirmed the truth of his parentage, her father began an on-again off-again pendulum swing between closeness, engagement, fatherly attention, and frigidity, distance, even cruelty.

As I read about Lisa’s relationship with her father and her mother as she was growing up, I thought a great deal about my own father and mother, and the struggle, joy, and confusion that came with their role as my parents in my life.

We had a big family. I had three brothers – one older and two younger, and then my sister, the youngest of my siblings.

I was very close with my Dad. He talked to me about life in a sort of grown-up philosophical way.  He introduced me to the notions of the “power of positive thinking” and “mind over matter.”  The ideas intrigued me, and to this day, I still think the ideas are worthwhile and helpful.  He told me I could do anything I wanted to do in the world, and in the 1950s that was quite radical for a girl.

My Dad also struggled with alcoholism, from which he died prematurely. Although he had finally gotten on (and stayed on) “the wagon,” his liver gave out after decades of alcohol abuse.  I was twenty-three and had just started graduate school. I felt entirely unmoored by his loss, even though his years of drinking had cast a long dark shadow over our entire family.

As I approach the threshold of a new chapter in my life, retiring from my decades-long involvement in the “change-the-world for children and families movement,” one of the most important and exciting initiatives I am privileged to be part of is the Power of Fathers.  Looking back, I realize I would never have been able to accomplish what I dreamed for kids and families were it not for my Dad’s unshakeable and oft-expressed faith in me, in who I was, and in who I might become in the world.

I would venture to say that nearly every father feels exactly this way about their children. But in today’s world, we have lost sight of how to assure that each child is connected to their father in a positive and nurturing way. Policies, social conventions and deeper societal wounds such as racism pose enormous obstacles to the full engagement of fathers, especially low-income fathers of color, in the lives of their sons and daughters.

The Power of Fathers is forging a new path, working for change by using a holistic approach at every level – Child, Parent, Family, Community, Institutional, and Policy – with fathers leading the way.

“How close are you supposed to be with your father?” I would say close enough that every child grows up and brings their gifts to the world in the fullest way…and close enough that every father is able to inspire and support their children’s dreams and journey.

A few weeks ago, I was waiting to cross the street as I was walking downtown to a meeting. As soon as the traffic cleared, I stepped off the sidewalk not heeding the orange “Do Not Walk” sign flashing across from me. I proceeded to cross the street, absentmindedly ignoring the sign, as so many of us do on a daily basis. Read More

As I took a few steps, I heard over my shoulder, “Not yet, Andy. We have to wait for the walk sign.”

“But he’s walking,” little Andy protested to his mother.

“I know,” she replied. “But you shouldn’t always do what you see other people doing. It’s not always safe.”

In that moment, I hurriedly backpedaled towards the curb. Not because of oncoming traffic crossing Wacker, but because of the onslaught of guilt that rushed over me. I was too embarrassed to look down at little Andy as I stepped back onto the curb, but I did manage a sheepish grin at his mother. She mouthed, “Thank you,” graciously and mercifully letting me off the hook.

Once the light changed and we all walked across the street with me slightly ahead of Andy and his mother, I remembered to walk in a straight line, head up, hands at my side, not talking, and one full arms-length behind the person in front of me. I was determined to set the perfect example for little Andy of how to walk down the street by channeling every rule of walking my Catholic grade school nuns drilled into me one ruler at a time in the school hallways. Thankfully, little Andy and his mom turned down the next corner just two blocks into our journey.

As I continued to walk, that brief encounter was a good reminder for me that our children – whether at home or in the street – are always watching us, learning from us, and most importantly doing and speaking as we do. Therefore, it is incumbent on us as adults, parents or not, to be mindful of how we conduct ourselves in the world.

This is an important component of our work in Power of Fathers; helping our fathers understand their responsibility to their children to present themselves as positive and supportive human beings. That is not always easy for any of us to do, as we deal with the daily stressors in our lives. But if we can teach our dads to manage conflicts better and develop healthy relationships with the mothers of their children, we can go a long way to creating kind children and peaceful communities.

When we exhibit peacefulness, humanity, respect, and forgiveness towards each other, our children learn to treat each other with kindness, respect and empathy. When we speak with civility to each other – even in times of conflict – our children learn to speak to each other with words that build up, instead of tear down. And when we treat our significant others with love and tenderness, our children learn to develop healthy relationships.

Oftentimes the outcomes we want for children start with the actions of parents and adults.  Reducing and preventing bullying, violence, at-risk behaviors, and domestic/relationship violence among our youth does not start with youth programs. Our work starts with us, the adults, and the behavior we model for all children. And it can start with a simple step…when the “WALK’ sign flashes of course. (Thanks for the reminder little Andy.)

Please share:

• What are your ideas or proven approaches or programs for helping adults model appropriate behaviors for children?
• How can we help adults better contribute to reducing and preventing issues that plague our youth?

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines power as the possession of control, authority, or influence over others; and the ability to act or produce an effect. But we know power is not equitably possessed nor produces fair effects. Read More

For many low-income fathers of color, power is not readily realized as something they have and can use to improve their lives. Most men come into Power of Fathers feeling crushed by systems, by policies, by organizations and by people they feel have taken their power. Fathers feel demoralized to the point of giving up.

That is why Power of Fathers focuses first on helping fathers recognize they already have power within them to overcome the challenges they inevitably face.

How do we define power? In our program, power is defined as knowing your person, your place, and your purpose. With that knowledge our dads – or anyone for that matter – truly has the power to improve their lives, their families and their communities.

Know your person. It is important to know who you are, where you come from (your family history), and what has happened in your life to make you the person you are today. Often times, our fathers do not have a strong self-identity or understanding of who they are as human beings, and more importantly why they are. We help them explore these aspects of themselves. Gaining this understanding gives our dads a strong foundation upon which to build.

Know your place. It is not enough for me to just know my name and my history. It is not enough just to know that I am a man. I must also know what it means to be a black man, who is a non-custodial father, living in an urban community. It is important for me to know how society views and values me in this context. But it is most important to determine my own value and self-worth in this society. Our fathers share that society paints a largely negative image of them; often times devaluing, disregarding, or demonizing their existence. This can have a devastating effect on our fathers, lowering their self-worth and discouraging many of them from even attempting to engage because fathers feel (and have been shown) they are not worthy of what society has to offer. Therefore, we help dads determine their own self-worth and define for themselves their place in this world.

Know your purpose. Finally, we challenge dads to identify their gifts and talents; and determine how they can utilize these strengths to improve themselves and the world around them. What good is a talent if we do not utilize it? What good is a gift that is not shared. Many of our fathers feel because they do not have enough money, or enough education, or enough of many other things, they do not have much to offer their children or their communities. Power of Fathers emphasizes that each of us has gifts and talents within us – even the gift of time or our mere presence – that can be utilized for good. We support dads in identifying these gifts, and developing a plan and a commitment to use their treasure to benefit themselves and others.

Person + Place + Purpose = Power. We call this the Power Base; the building blocks for all we want our fathers to accomplish.

When we first started Power of Fathers, we immediately focused on improving men’s roles as fathers and co-parents. We were not very effective because so many of our dads came into the program needing to address their own individual issues before being able to focus on their roles for and with others. When we began helping dads develop their Power Base first and foremost, we started seeing better results – improved attitudes, increased engagement, and a greater sense of hope.

Fathers shared that for the first time they felt someone genuinely cared about their well-being and interests; not just their responsibilities to others. We gave them a safe space to be men, and to explore (and improve) the men they are. The lesson for all of us – whether we are working with men, women, young or old people– focus on supporting them in developing a strong self-identity, a strong self-worth, and strong self-efficacy. With knowing their person, their place, and their purpose, they will be truly powerful to improve themselves, their families, and the world.

Please share your thoughts, comments, and suggestions on other ways we can help those we support be more powerful.